You made me cry and you don't even care
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
there is glitter all over my balls
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