Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
