his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
