Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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