did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
