im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize