Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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