I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
