wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
