If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
