The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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