I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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