I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
