i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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