you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
