She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
