I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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