genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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