Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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