it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i love accidental penises.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize