Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
