Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Semen is not good for contacts.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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