he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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