I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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