Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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