I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
