Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize