and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I AM VODKA MAN
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
