I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
