Jerry, you need to find god
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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