i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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