Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
