the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
