Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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