No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
