she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
