i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
