our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
