on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
