Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
