I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
