david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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