Umm I'm too high to move.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
