I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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