you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
