Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
