I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
