You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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