Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
