how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
