Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
