there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
