ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
