You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
