If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
