I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We need to get me chipped asap
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize