Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Terrible idea I love it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize