Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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