I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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