there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
